Wednesday, July 9, 2008

How to succeed in college, part 2.

Today's example comes from my nutrition class (my science credit so I can get my damn degree and be done with it.)

The discussion section is a large part of online classes for my school, so this week's discussion assignment is as follows.

This topic is easy. Over the next week, I want you to look at how the American society is bombarded with two themes.
We all must work out
We all need to lose weight.
Since it is the new year, what have you seen, heart, etc from the media on these themes?

And here, dear friends, is my response.

So I was visiting my parents down in <censored> over the weekend of my birthday (just this past weekend,) and I was exposed to television for the first time in nearly 3 years. I was reminded of the major reason I can't stand TV, advertising. Every other ad it seemed was for a weight loss drug, or for a gym, and all of them seemed outright rude in their approach to sell the product.

"Are you an ugly hideous chud with love handles and no muscle? Come in to your local 'roidjunkies and give us way too much money to exercise in our facilities even though you're too lazy to do it on your own when it's free."

And then of course there's the weight loss drugs, none of which are approved by the FDA, but so long as they make sure to TELL you that in teeny tiny text at the bottom of the screen, that's okay.

"Hey you! Fatty! Are you sitting on the couch instead of at the beach because you resemble a humpback whale who's taken a few too many trips to the buffet? This new pill is CLINICALLY PROVEN to turn you intoa superhero sex machine in 30 days or your money back and the best part is, you don't have to change your diet or even get your big fat ass off the sofa!"

These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA and we're not responsible if you end up with cancer or die of a heart attack because you thought taking this pill meant you could eat an entire cake for breakfast every day, any attempt to actually get a refund will be futile as our business will have closed by then and opened up elsewhere under a new name.

(Obviously the above examples are satire)

So, needless to say, I was thoroughly sickened and reminded of why I don't even own a television anymore.The message all of this seems to convey isn't one of health, but of personal appearance and acceptance by the rest of society.

I would hope that most people are intelligent enough that they know there is no magic pill they can take which lets them circumvent proper nutrition, if you eat a whole cake every day, and chase it down with a few pounds of bacon, you're not going to be healthy, no matter what pills you're taking, or what some crazy doctor like that atkin's wackadoo tell you.

I still have absolutely no idea how I get away with this shit and not fail classes. The teachers must like me, or at least have a functioning sense of humour.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Why the hell are you here?

Mixing it with the primates.  Dragging your knuckles and picking fleas?  OOK OOK! OOK OOK MOTHERFUCKER!

You're not like them and you know it!  You want to escape somewhere and be you? The REALLY REAL you?  TOO BAD! YOU CAN'T!  Unless you wanna be the next shack dwelling wacko...  But there IS something you can do.

Hopefully they already think you're one of them, so we can skip the lesson in camouflage.  Now, look around, there's some apes that are "different" aren't there?  They don't act like the other apes.  They look, and act and talk contrary to the rest.  You might even have spent some time with them, or thought maybe you'd belong better with them.  Want the secret? They're exactly like the rest! If any of them actually "gets" it and see's what you can see, they've already lost the game, they've already blown their chance to change things.  Since they chose to wear a different type of fur than the other, "normal" apes, they've been labeled as "Outsiders", or "Threats" or "Anarchists" or worse.  Any message they might have had, is now completely lost in preconceived notions.

So you, you're still in the clear right?  The rest of the knuckle draggers think you're just like them?  Are you starting to see just how great an opportunity you have?  The best place to be when you want to change things, improve things, or even just shake things up is right where you are, the inside!


So you want to start things, but where to begin?


The Discordian Society might be a place to start.


We're not waiting for you, but if you hurry there might still be some fun left when you get here.


Rev. M. Star K.S.C.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

George W. Caesar



George Bush cares about you!  He cares about your freedom, and your god given right as citizens of this most glorious of God's blessed nations, The United States of America!

He understands that most of you have been brainwashed by the liberal media to believe that war is bad, but that's simply not true.  Our country was founded by WAR, you wouldn't want to be sitting around in the afternoon sipping tea and eating scones and blessing the QUEEN would you?  Are you some kinda faggot?  Hell no! I didn't think so.  This country was founded by war, and kept STABLE by war, and GOD BLESS IT! OUR ENTIRE ECONOMY IS BASED ON WAR!  You wouldn't want the economy to fail and have to start driving one of those hippie hybrids.  Don't you want to keep driving that 75 passenger H3 that keeps your 2.5 children safe on the 7 block drive at 25 miles per hour to the grocery store?  OF COURSE YOU DO!  BECAUSE YOU'RE A GOOD PARENT!  Sure, those liberals tell you that Johnny has serious mental issues and can't tell reality from fantasy, but good citizens like you, and me, and Jack Thompson, and GEORGE BUSH.  We know the truth, videogames BRAINWASHED your son to be a mindless zombie killing machine.

George Bush knows what's best for this country because he is personally blessed by the almighty Jesus Christtm  The almighty directs George Bush to do good things for all Americans and to lead you all home to the one true God.


George Bush has done more for this country, no, for DEMOCRACY GOD DAMNIT! in his nearly 8 years, that we couldn't possibly think to ask him to step down next year after some liberal minority rigs an election to undo all the good he's done.  THAT dear friends, is why we must act quickly, and proclaim George Walker Bush, EMPEROR FOR LIFE!  So that he may be allowed to grace us with his divine insight, and flawless leadership, for MANY MANY years to come.



Wednesday, October 10, 2007

We're towing your car!

So today, What a day. Let's try and break it down.

About 6:30am I wake up, it's a beautiful day, my spine has seized into a solid unmoving mass from L4 to S2 and getting out of bed requires no less than 30 minutes of agonizing fucking wonder.

After some unpleasant grunts and groans and more pain, I'm dressed, thanks muchly to the role of my girlfriend who's assistance was invaluable.

7:45am - My friend arrives to pick me up, my recent relapse has made getting behind the wheel of my car a relative impossibility. His large van makes for much more pleasant travel.

7:55am - We arrive at the college, I gimp my way on my crutch to the health office, to deliver unto the nurse an updated report on my condition from my doctor, once again asserting my inability to participate in PE classes (And what the fuck college requires you to take PE any goddamn way.)

8:01am - I hand the notice to the nurse practitioner and I speak the holy words, "This is an updated script from my doctor, as of friday, due to your overturning of my last doctor's decision I have had nearly a 100% relapse of my condition, and I'd like to thank you for that." and I turn around, and begin to hobble away on my crutch. She begins to scream at me, about how it's "Not her fault" and "You have a disability" and then, having successfully baited me into turning around to respond. "Yes, I have a disability, which you chose to ignore when forcing me into this class when you knew I wasn't capable of performing it without further injury. So, in fact, it IS your fault, as my only option was to attempt to comply with your demands, or not get my degree in december." Three words into this statement, which I assure you, was calm-voiced and relaxed (counterpoint to her screaming at me angrily) she calls security.

8:04am - Three, yes, THREE 3 tres, a fucking TRIO of big, beefy, stick and flashlight bearing security guards (campus safety, what the fuck ever) come marching into the health office to take up position directly behind me. During this time, I have remained calm, and the nurse is now full-out fucking HYSTERICAL yelling at me, trying to rationalize what I can only assume is her guilt (read: fear of getting sued) over my exacerbated condition. I noticed, of course, three large men behind me with the threat of violence on their breath and raw primal pheromones from their under-deodourized armpits promising me a world of new pain. And I comment, while leaning heavily on my crutch, further obviating that I am incapable of doing much of anything in my condition, "It takes three big men with sticks to handle a cripple these days?" They showed genuine discomfort at my exposure of their intent to do harm to a defenseless man.

DING! Light goes off, my business here was done minutes ago, I said what I'd needed to say, and was ready to move on, but was BAITED, oh that evil bitch, she put the bait out, and I'm the dumb fucking sucker that bit. So I said, "I'm done with you. Goodbye." And walked out.

8:10am - I sit down on a bench to let my spine try and recover from the extended period of standing, and once again curse the Physician's Assistant who repeatedly tells me that I cannot have anything for the pain because I'm too young to risk getting addicted to pain killers. Beyond the fact that not too many years ago I was deep into drugs that make darvocet and hydrocodone look like flinstones vitamins, I just curse her stupidity, and my lack of a voice when it came time to remind her that NYS laws dictate that I cannot be refused treatment, esp. pain relief, make a mental note to make a new appointment with said Physician's Assistant's overseeing M.D.

We break from the timeline for a moment. For anyone who doesn't know, I suffered a serious spinal injury while I was a truck driver, effectively ending my career behind the wheel of said 40-ton weapon. It was revealed after that, that I would never recover, because I have degenerative disc disease (something I'd never heard of) and that my condition will only worsen over the years and the damaged discs will eventually become dessicated and inflexible, and eventually I will likely be unable to walk. I have been fighting workers' comp. for nearly 3 years now, seen more doctors than I care to remember, all of them with the same grim prognosis, and refusal to give me anything for the pain. I am not a surgical candidate and any attempts to perform surgery would likely result in my death, or permanent paralysis (if I can't feel my own dick, I don't wanna live, so fuck that.)

9:30am - I've been sitting in my ceramics class (which doesn't begin until 10am) working on a new sculpture for about 30 minutes now. My phone rings, clay-covered hands fish it out of my pocket. It's my neighbor, informing me that some creepy guy with a speech impediment and a pickup truck is demanding that my car be moved from my driveway so that he can drop a dumpster out back (apparently he owns the house in the rear) when I inform him, proxied through my neighbor, that I am unable to do so, and will not be home until 5pm, he informs me that the driveway "Is MAH PRAH PARR TEE AND I BEEN LETTIN YOU SUMMABITCHN KIDS PARK HERE FOR FREE" and mumbles off into incoherence. I am aware that the driveway is in fact within the property lines of my landlady, and tell him he'll just have to wait, and that should he feel the need to speak with my landlady to get into the specifics of property, that's his prerogative.

9:40am - Another phone call, there is now a tow truck, backed up to the rear-end of my FRONT WHEEL DRIVE car, ready to tow me, out of my own driveway. I tell the tow truck guy, through my neighbor, that the man who called him does not in fact own the property on which my car is parked, and his tow is illegal, but if he really wants to push the issue, i've got a friend willing to drive my girlfriend down there to move the car. He says "Too late, not my problem." and tows my car.

9:45am - Good Officer Somebody (Can't be arsed to remember his name) informs me that they don't deal with private property issues, and regardless of who owns the property, they can't get involved with the situation, that it's out of their hands. So without having to present evidence of ownership, yes, you can have someone's vehicle removed from their own driveway.

I make a mental note of this as well. Apparently I can drive over to Officer Risi (a cop with whom I am unpleasantly aquainted) and have his car towed from "MAH PRAH PARTEE!" without presenting proof of ownership of the property, and there's nothing the police can do about it. But moving on.

9:46am - The security guards come down to take a statement on my side of what happened, and I give it to them, word-for-word from my arrival to theirs. Also I ask them to make a note that while she was hysterically screaming (at a cripple) I remained calm and unthreatening, hence her calling them was obviously a ploy to escalate the situation into something dramatic and their presence was obviously un-neccesary, which they agree with. I inform them that I will be speaking with Dr. (Name deleted) the Dean-of-Students, as I have an appointment with him Friday, and will be lodging a formal complaint of misconduct and discrimination against the nurse.

12:45pm - My friend's class is over, mine has been over since noon, and a whole slew of my pottery and clay sculpture are being loaded into the kiln for a firing - the first good news all day. I am then driven to my Chiropractor's office, and I retrieve the form I will need for my Workers' Comp. hearing.

1:58pm - I am early for my comp. hearing and get the opportunity to chat with my attourney's comp. specialist about what we can do about some missed payments and other grievances, and he says he'll get it sorted. Also, because of some bullshit paper trail thing that the insurance company failed to comply with, my weekly comp. rate will be bumped up, tentatively, so, more good news.

2:05pm - I am again staggered at how much of my comp. case is handled before we ever have to sit down before the judge. The details come out so fast and furious in lawyer-jargon that I don't understand much of anything except the part where it clarifies a pay increase for YT[sup][sup]*[/sup][/sup]. I am then sworn in, and testify with single word responses that I am in fact, (Name Deleted) and that I am 26 years old, and that I am disabled, and that I have not worked since december...whatever, of last year (the date of my last hearing)

2:10pm - Back in the van, and rolling like a candy kid at a shitty garage rave. Turns out, my friend who is driving knows the man who owns the towing company. So we head on over there...

3:00pm - Arrive at the towing company, as my landlady is also calling said towning company, they assure me that they will release my car to me today, by 5pm (this never happened) but that they couldn't release it until someone paid, since this guy called for the tow, and since the tow was found to be unlawful, it has to be this guy who pays. I remove some things that I need from my car and I go home.

The day goes on uneventfully from there, and I am still without a car.

So, I guess new idea for a mindfuck, having people towed out of their own driveway.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

How to succeed at college

This is my submission for an assignment in my class "Intro. to Technical Writing.

First, here is the wording of the assignment.

Exercise 3: Assume that a new employee is taking over your job because you have been promoted. Identify a specific problem in the job that could cause difficulty for the new employee. Write instructions for the employee to help him or her for avoid or deal with the problem.


Next: My submission.



To whom it may concern:
Due to my recent promotion to the position of employed, you will be taking over my position as an unemployed World of Warcraft addict.  Congratulations, you are entering a world of long days and hard work, but also of great personal rewards.

I will assume already that you have been given the proper training to perform your new job, proper sitting techniques and keyboard/mouse positioning are important after all.  However, I feel that I should detail for you some of the problems you might run into while being unemployed and addicted to persistent world electronic gaming.

Problem 1: Eye-Strain
Eye-strain is a large problem for people not previously accustomed to spending upwards of 16 hours a day staring at a computer screen with little or no time for breaks, and extended periods of eye-strain can lead to severe headaches and even migraines.  I would recommend when this occurs a 10 to 15 minute break to give your eyes a rest, take some Aspirin or Tylenol or your preferred pain reliever, use a few drops of Visine or Clear-Eyes in each eye, and close your eyes (not too tight) for a few minutes to let them re-moisturize.

Problem 2: Aches and Pains
Eventually, even an experienced gaming addict will experience aches and pains on the job.  These aches and pains are usually felt most in the wrists, shoulders, and lower back.  If at all possible, you may wish to look into getting a prescription pain reliever from your physician, barring that you can try the following methods either on their own or in a combination.

1 - Carpal-tunnel wrist braces.
These are sold in many areas, though personally I have found the braces available at Herb Phillipsons' to be both affordable and effective.  Wearing these during periods of inactivity should help to alleviate the pain in your wrists.

2 - Lumbar support
Available at Wal*Mart and a variety of other places (I purchased mine from a truckstop in Troutdale, Oregon) a lumbar support cushion in the right place is worth it's weight in Warcraft Gold to keep your back pain to a minimum.

3 - Substance abuse
A tried and true method of relieving (or at least ignoring) aches and pains.  Drinking whiskey or smoking marijuana during extended sessions of playtime can be very beneficial.  Please note that authority figures do not necessarily approve of these methods so you should use discretion.

I hope that this information will help you to be successful in your new career.

Good Luck!
<Nottellingmyname> (Now Employed)


I think my teacher will be pleased.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Things you just can't say.

He says em anyway.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Davis Fleetwood's Hippie Trilogy

Presentation is the first step to getting your point across. He's got it. And if ever I've seen a candidate for recruitment, this is he.

Also, please see his official site at